I was just sitting around and realized that I hadn't updated here in a little bit. There's really not too much to say but I thought I'd let folks know what was going on.

Today is the first day of the third week back to school and I'm so exhausted I could just pass out right now. Being an English major is taking years off of my life, for sure. I haven't been able to get to the counseling place or talk to a doctor either, so that's not cool.

On top of all of that, my dad sent me a 7-page letter describing a conversation he had with my mom (pretty much just her talking, actually) in which she basically said it's more important for me to be socially acceptable than happy. I'm going to send him a response tonight if at all possible just letting him know how all of that made me feel. I'm tired of hiding from my dad, so this should be a good opportunity to share feelings.

One interesting thing is that ever since I got my haircut I've been getting a lot of double-takes. As long as folks aren't offensive about being confused I don't mind people not knowing what gender I am. It's kind of thrilling, actually. As long as I don't scream female we're good to go.

One last thing before I have to run to class - I finally signed a lease with my friend for next year so I'm out of this hell-hole all-girls dorm and on my own. Thank baby Jesus.

(Gah, side note - I was watching some videos of ftms on youtube and I noticed myself getting jealous of how far along they were. There's one kid who's only 17 and he's already been a year on T AND had top surgery. I know everybody's timeline and right time is different, but I can't help but feel a little sad. It's okay, though, snow cheered me up!)

I apologize for not having posted anything in the recent week or so - I've been enjoying being on my break. When I'm on break I try to relax and not worry about anything in particular, so that's basically what I've been doing. There's nothing really to update about either - there won't be until I start up back at school and begin going to counseling once again.

On the other hand, I got to sleep over at my best friend's house and we had a really good discussion face-to-face about my being trans and all. She, of course, is unbelievably supportive and even excited for me. I liked that we got to talk about the past and how there were things that could have indicated my gender identity even from earlier on. That's made me think a lot more about why I wasn't more concerned about my gender when I was younger and I'm thinking about writing about that in the future. We'll see what happens.

This semester coming up is going to keep me crazy busy, though, but I'm sure I'll be able to find time to post. (Hahaha....yeah. Homework - what's that?)

By the way, I got my hair cut and now it's short and fantastic:



Until next time...

Last night my ex had a million and one questions about the transition and everything. Normally if she had been asking me so many questions I would have been pissy and irritable, but I really like the interest she's taking in the process. It means she still cares, and I'm grasping onto anybody that cares anymore.

One interesting thing that came up last night that I -almost- forgot about was a conversation we had about how I interacted with everybody. I'll readily admit that I'm a pretty awkward person in general - half of it has to do with me never really knowing how to hold myself. But ever since I made friends on my hall last year things have only gotten more awkward for me. I put a lot more value in eye contact and not beating around the bush than my friends do. I stand in the doorway and stand rather than sit because I don't want to invade their personal space. I don't say much if I don't know exactly what I want to say. That kind of disconnectedness might make the girls I'm friends with feel weird, but it's interesting to think about.

At first when she told me I was a little offended - mostly because she said it like they had made it a big deal, but when she assured me it wasn't like that I was okay. I realized that they were all absolutely right. I do act differently around girls because I have no fucking idea how to relate to them. The reason they've always been okay with my ex as a lesbian and me not as a lesbian is because my ex is comfortable being a girl and identifying as a lesbian. I have never been comfortable with either identity, no matter how hard I tried to seem like I was. I failed, but it was really nice to have that acknowledged.

We talked for a bit more but I got really tired, and after I left her room I came back to mine and passed out. I'm so exhausted both emotionally and physical I could sleep for days. I want to sleep for days. Finals week really is a killer no matter what your schedule. (Unless, of course, you're one of the lucky bastards who only has one final and gets to leave on Monday.)

I'm not that nervous or even concerned about my final today. I need to get a good grade, naturally, but I think I'll do fine. What I'm most nervous about is coming out to my dad. I know that I had previously said it was going to happen after Christmas, but something came up that interfered with that plan. My friend and I have decided we want to live together off campus next year and we've started looking around for places so I let my dad know about that. My biggest reason (okay, my only reason) for not wanting to live in the dorm is the potential of transition and so today I'm going to tell my dad that.

Nervous really isn't the word for it. Freaked the fuck out is more like it. I keep going through every scenario and none of them are helping me gain any more confidence. I've been focusing so much on what could go wrong I've completely ignored what could go right. I've completely forgotten that my father is a reasonable, good man and my best friend. I just hope it stays that way.